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Today I Am

July 22, 2009

Today I want to complain and whine.

Today I want to feel sorry for myself.

Today I want to give up and leave all my problems for another day.

Today I’m not going to do any of those things…(*cough* anymore, that is).

I don’t know if it’s a woman thing, but when I’m feeling down, the inevitable thing my mind rests on is how nice it would be to go to a sweet smelling store and buy some beautiful new clothes. And then have my darling husband take me out to eat at a nice restaurant, because I’m sure every single one of my worries could be solved by dressing to the nines for an evening.

It’s a nice fantasy, but it leads bad places because I just start moping about how old and worn my clothes look– how I won’t even be able to fit those soon enough, and how, these days, “nice restaurant” equals Ihop. HH eventually (read: insanely quickly) notices my lackluster mood and asks what’s wrong. Because he can basically read my mind I have to give him the full and complete run down, so we both end up slouched in bed feeling miserable. Nothing makes one feel better like junk food– and thus we find ourselves making a midnight taco run, which lifts our spirits for the day (night), only to wake up with morning-after regret about those six or seven dollars– plus that much more stress.

(I swear I’m not complaining here, just explaining 😉 ).

Generally, I’m really good at not thinking about things I don’t want to think about. It’s not about distractions as much as just shutting doors in my mind. I tell myself “Don’t Go In There” and because I’m such a goody-two-shoes, I obey myself.

Today I’ve been bitter about my wedding dress. I’m probably the only woman in the world who loathed her wedding dress. It was nothing like it was suppose to be (it was poorly made and broke during the ceremony) and I never got the chance to shop for or try on other dresses because I was thoroughly assured that this was the best way to go (I have a bad habit of trying to please other people).
After the wedding I bunched up the dress and put it in the back of my closet so I wouldn’t have to look at it. And yet, I’m still resentful towards it. Like it gypped me out of an experience life was obligated to give me: a.k.a. that was suppose to be the most beautiful dress of my life.

HH hates it when I talk about this, btw, but I chalk that up to him being a guy. I mean, it’s not like they look forward their whole life to that one tux…

So I’ve been skulking about my room today, absently cleaning and mostly throwing dark looks at my closet, when I decided that I really needed to get over this. I couldn’t go out and buy new clothes to soothe my need-to-feel-pretty bone, so I tried to focus on all the good aspects of my wedding:

1. I got to marry HH. (I was so ready for that I would have married him in burlap).
2. We had wonderful friends and family show up.
3. I loved the food.
4. My wedding dress was better than the burlap sack, above mentioned
5. I was really really happy that day.

And then to pacify the shopping demon inside me, I looked at baby stuff.

And then I got scared. I don’t think I know as much about babies as I thought I did.

Uh oh.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. July 23, 2009 3:11 am

    We'll go baby shopping when I come visit in October:-)

  2. July 24, 2009 11:04 pm

    You looked absolutely gorgeous in your dress. Don't worry about it so much! And don't worry about the baby stuff…I'm going to be mailing you a ton of onesies 😉

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