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Control Freak

May 13, 2010

I have such a hard time when I’m not in control of every aspect of my life.

What?  I must be human.  Sigh…

Still, I’m finding that the older I get, the worse it gets.  It is so bad, that even having dreams about being out of control– or something not going to plan, stresses me out so much that I wake up with a splitting headache.

Hand in hand with this, not surprisingly, is that my trust in God is plummeting.  And I really don’t know what to do about it.

I feel like a three-year-old having a temper tantrum, saying “this is the way I want my life to be and I want it like this NOW.”  I am so set in my way that I can no longer feel if I am pushing against the tide or with it.  I know that I am desperately trying to bend everything around me to my will (not maliciously, but with little regard for the consequences).

I don’t know how to stop myself.  I don’t know how to take a step back and place my life in God’s hands again.  I know it will always be a struggle, but I’m really losing right now.

It’s not like anything I want is bad, wrong, or detrimental to me (as far as I can see).  It’s just self-centered (probably the best way to describe it).  That’s no way to be a wife or a mother.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Adriana permalink
    May 13, 2010 7:33 pm

    whenever i get like that, if things arent going my way, especially when i couldnt find a job for the LIFE of me… i try to think about what my mom used to tell me all the time. if i repeat it, it sometimes helps. it’s usually a version of this: ” He doesn’t give us what we want, he gives us what we need. even though im not getting what i want, maybe im getting what i need. he will give me what i need, even if i cant understand it right now, it will all work out.”

    (sometimes i get so blah that im just like, its not like he exists anyway.. but then i feel pretty cruddy, so i guess that means i MUST believe in him heh)

    and then i say, well gosh darnit i WANT it so bad i NEED it, so GIMME. we all know how THAT usually turns out! heh. we’re all human, sometimes thats a good thing, sometimes its a stinky thing.


  2. May 14, 2010 1:45 am

    Oh! I so empathize with this! I call it “grabbing the wheel” from God – wanting to drive my life, instead of having Him drive. It is especially bad when my whole life sort of seems out of control – when even the things that usually go according to plan or routine aren’t doing so. And of course, with a little one (especially a relatively *little* little one), it is so hard to plan or have a routine.. the moment they start to really get a routine, they start teething or learn a new skill and it all goes out the window. Only in the last month or two has my little one finally settled down to a relatively consistent two naps a day at relatively consistent times, and she’s about to turn a year old! It’s just really hard, when you have that sort of need for organization and control in your life, to have your life suddenly and completely dictated by the whims of a tiny being. But what I personally am finding is that the more I learn flexibility and to just go with it, the happier she ends up being, which means the happier I am.

    Anyway, I have always struggled with the control thing as well, and know what a pain it can be… you can intellectually “trust” God, but sometimes it is really hard to actually *trust* Him with the real details of your life. I was really struggling with this recently – my husband and I really want to buy a house and not have to rent anymore, but our income is very borderline to be able to do that in the area that we live, and I was realizing that it’s not like I can say “well, in a year or two things will be better”, because as *I* look at the future, I see how things will get more expensive (i.e. hopefully more children, which means I may or may not be able to continue telecommuting part time from home). I was getting so frustrated looking at all the details and the impossibility that it was really impacting my mood, and even my faith life. But what I finally began to realize is that I’m not looking at my life through God’s eyes – He has a plan that really *is* better than what we could imagine or arrange for our lives. He sees the variables that we don’t, and will work all things for good for us- if we can just trust. Which is, of course, easier said than done – it is spiritually and emotionally equivalent to those “trust falls” they do in team building – like falling backwards off a picnic table, and hoping that He is there to catch you.

    Anyway, I’ll be praying for you about this!

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